something much less then perfect.

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 17:23:34 GMT

my new journal.... newcomposition. for those of you that care.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:18:57 GMT

losers never die... winners always lose. this is my montra... i want you to learn it... if not... oh, well. never speak without reason... never move without direction. i will say no more. i wish all of you the best of luck. i love all of you. and non of you at the same time. let me pitty you. so that you can truly see yourselves. i was wrong. but now i'm trying to make myself right. good bye. i'm afrade that i'll never see any of you again. and in other aspects... i'm greatful. you were my exitment, my hunger, my emptyness, my addiction. i'm lost in your mind... but i'm found in mine. that's all i can ask. farwell. i retired.

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 19:17:46 GMT

i'll fight you no more. the only battle left is with myself.

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 19:16:55 GMT

i'm not writing anymore. i don't need a keyboard to express who i am or to find out the person i am when others write me oh too clearly... i toss my hat in. if you only knew.

a start of a new game... "can you find my insight"

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 05:31:22 GMT

"can you find my insight" i only put stuff up here because i'm showing off or just fucking around not really there is a hidin message in everything. something about me. something about you. something about anything. finding it is what i like to do. so you talk... can i find your insight... it might be small. but man will it help me finding it with others "patterns" is what we "thinkers" witch i am not... (according to myers briggs) fuck it. can you tell what i'm saying? here. so what did i say.... what did i mean... are there anything hiddin? or is it too real to be real? FUCKING COMMENT@!!!!

twistedgandhi (11:24:14 PM): call me if you can't sleep and want something to do... outside of your house. now... it's a new game.and my life and drama... feels alot less restricting. sorry. but you mean much to me. but on the scale of otherthings in my life you are not one. your happyness and well being i care more about. and just under caring about you myself. when really myself is under anyone i care about. i do love you. but comeing in your room is bad for you when your mother cries. and it's not worth you hurting because she's hurting. you comeing out and haveing a reason to cry is one thing and i leave it up to you. if i'm busy and you want to talk to me. really i won't... that's why i get mad when you call me and have nothing to say. but when i'm board, depressed, disenchanted... i'm somewhat tollerent... because the world sucks... i'm bi polar... i'm better... and not only better... but for the most part... my "ball" didn't grow...

Auto response from FlavorlessTears (11:24:14 PM): why was i so stupid to believe that as he walked in it would be like it used to.. it seems like only yesterday we were laying in the grass his head in my lap my hands playing with his hair.. and just laughing.. its like 7 years of memories are just gone.. and the sad part is he is the only one moved on

twistedgandhi (11:24:33 PM): growing isn't nessarrly good... just i changed colors. ;-)
twistedgandhi (11:24:54 PM): i like blue ones...
twistedgandhi (11:24:58 PM): bye

why do i lie... when inside i know the honest truth.

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 13:28:36 GMT

unsonsy: come live with me and be my love. i'm sorry the i'm not who you remembered signing up for... but as of all. i'm sure that i'm a stronger, wiser, more able person for it. i love you. i always will hold you far above the rest... now let me actions and my spoken word show that. no matter what happens. you will always be my kendall. your hugs are what i really miss. your kisses... they make me blush... i'm not afrade anymore... thank you. i'll find away to see you today. i need to. or want so bad that me needing is just an understatment. keep sleeping... your so cute when you do. don't let us fall apart... we will get lost... but we always seem to find the trail back. your more then i deserve. and haveing you this much seems selfish enough... i might lose sight with the troubles ahead... my words my seem missplaced... but in my heart you can never be replaced. and you could never be better. all i ask is for one favor.. don't hurt yourself too much.

Auto response from +----------: Your message could not be delivered because it has too many characters. Please try resending your message with fewer characters.

unsonsy: you could never be damaged to me... and i think of the world when i say unprepeared. keep me on my toes in the times when i need it most. correct me for being stupid... so that the same mistakes will not be made. love me with everything you own. and i will do my best i will give everything to grow old with you. i love you. sorry for calling you so much yesterday. i was kinnda high. now i'm passionete with future memories of us. you mean more now then ever. dont let me lie to myself. hug me before you leave me again. kiss me before you say you love another. but this message must end... so that i won't fall deeper under water. I LOVE _________> i love you. we have to communication gaps to fill. and then the world will be our oyster... fuck ok bye.

Auto response from +----------: Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 02:42:16 GMT

craZasswhitegrl6: I'm not angry or upset, I'm just really drunk. So if I sound angry, I apologize.
twistedgandhi: no.
twistedgandhi: and in being drunk.
twistedgandhi: i feel nothing.
twistedgandhi: because it isn't you.
craZasswhitegrl6: Fuck that. It always is.
craZasswhitegrl6: If anything, it's MORE me.
twistedgandhi: then who are you really?
twistedgandhi: ?
twistedgandhi: are you sure.
craZasswhitegrl6: More than ever.
craZasswhitegrl6: I'm Kerri.
craZasswhitegrl6: 16 year old Kerri.
twistedgandhi: who are you tring to prove.
craZasswhitegrl6: No one.
craZasswhitegrl6: I don't have to.
twistedgandhi: then stop talking
craZasswhitegrl6: Or at least I thought I didn't have to.
twistedgandhi: and know.
craZasswhitegrl6: Stop gving me reason to.
twistedgandhi: yourself
twistedgandhi: i dont give reason.
craZasswhitegrl6: yes you do.
craZasswhitegrl6: with every action
twistedgandhi: i give doubt.
craZasswhitegrl6: every sentemece, every word
craZasswhitegrl6: No... you GAVE doubt.
twistedgandhi: your in your ball. and one day i'll try to explain it.
twistedgandhi: i'm sorry that this all happened without you.
craZasswhitegrl6: And one day, I might let you.
twistedgandhi: but i'm glad it started with you.
craZasswhitegrl6: Let it end with me too.
twistedgandhi: last words never reflect those last thoughts.
twistedgandhi: bye now.
craZasswhitegrl6 is away at 12:30:46 AM.

Define for me would you... i dont need your name.

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 06:32:59 GMT

"Information is not knowledge."
~ Albert Einstein
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."
~ Confucius
"You never find yourself until you face the truth"
~ Pearl Bailey
"We're constantly being told what other people think we are, and that's why it is so important to know yourself."
~ Sarah McLachlan
"I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got."
~ Sabrina Ward Harrison
"The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: Be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge."
~ Elbert Hubbard
"When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere"
~ François de la Rochefoucauld
"One must know oneself. If this does not serve to discover truth, it at least serves as a rule of life, and there is nothing better."
~ Blaise Pascal

ya so i got a myspace... and i forgot until someone i knew found me. my words to them.

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 01:48:25 GMT

the inguirre was about my skin color... no something along the lines of "LUCAS, with red hair?" making sure that i was someone that they could entertain themselves with... go for mind numbing usless technolgy, sorry useless jargen containers that trap our attention and exitment so that the world can pass outside, on the other side of the door... "the real world"... fuck it stay inside and prove your worth and see how many other people just as board or pathidic as you will make you one of their nessarry stops on this information super highway... used to help learn to fight and comunicate, to learn social awareness with our finger tips... it's amazing how few people i know have carpel tunnel... is it possable that the human body can adapt and learn like in the wild to excell. can you evolve into longer fingers toneless arms... can we evolve into a cubical? umm and how in anyway is that going to help me focus things that are really important you know? "like crime, poverity, these things don't consern me. what concerns me is celeberty magazines, sofa units with string green stripe patters, tv with 500 channels, some guy name on my underwear. viagra. olestra...' "martha stewet..." FUCK martha stewet, it's all going down man. her and her brass (something) on the titanic." -tyler dyrden and interjection from the namesless main charactor... or ya i would like to think of him as a trajic hero. GO READ HIS FUCKING BOOKS. Chuck Palahniuk do yourself a favor buy any of them. choke i would suggest, i would also like to advise you to ignore his nonfiction... unless you like portland/traveling in and directly around portland then sure "fugitives and refuges" might be something tha tyou injoy... the only thing in my opion that might could save it if there was a best part aim for the "postcards" as for his only other non- if you like suddel irony found in the things we have no idea would exist... crack open "stranger then fiction"... but you need to read before you die. choke, diary, lullaby, surviver, invisable monsters, then do yourself a favor, rent the movie fight club watch it 20 million times, then read the book... and dont compare them. they are works of art in themselves... oh ya here is umm what i had to write in "my" "myspace" =-) thank you for baring my impression... nevermind i'll just stop here. so that you can go on and forget what i was rambling about.

>>ya ya ya umm i forgot that i told someone that they should make me one so that i could be cool like everyone else and their mom... just something that will help me deal with the what i consider a life which seems to me alot more monotines then i ever in at context stated. as if i dont save enough lives in my spear time... i need this to give me a somewhat consuming medium. yes red hair... cut short to quicken personal hygene awarness moments inbetween lifting myself from my slumber and the instent were i have to be "corgel" (i think) fuck it i have to meet the standered of socity or... or else... out casted by the world left alone to rot in the stinch and the dirt that i suround myself in... wait... that's a metaphore on so many more levels... moo.<<

sometimes it dosen't have to make since to be real. other times it just dosen't have to make since.

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 00:42:27 GMT

cheepnoodles
2005-02-21 23:29
umm what should i tell you... life can be fucked and still in your head it can be blissful. the brighterside of self medicating... hahahhahhahhah

-------
2005-02-22 20:14
i am desperately trying to stop the self medication...

cheepnoodles
2005-02-23 00:39
as you know... self medicating is almost as bad as the american tolerence for life. a pill for every problem. lets just be numb to reality... or better yet numb, superfically happy with an added bonus or a four hour erection. with in your self it is only your mental fix... the drug takes you to a place were you think life is beautiful or what have you. you think that with out this sinthetic substance that you can not acheeve this reality. brake away. brake the fuck away. and trying to stop and stoping are so far from eachother that trying will leave you weaker then if you never tried at all. if you can make anything of yourself "just by puting your mind to it" the put your mind to it. to zero. "ground zero" were nothing is there and you introduce what is really nessarry to your survival... or maybe just your sainity. just keep in mind. putting it off, cutting down... will only prove your hate in yourself in not being strong in the ways that you would like to think you are. you need to want to give up. yourself and the meds... you have to want to quit... as i'm sure you can picture some drug addict. there is no excuse in failer. only in recovery. and if you promis yourself. then you know that your promising me. and if you let me down... you will just be like all the others. and we hate the others don't we? accept yourself completely, including your faults and your incicurities, and maybe just maybe the person in the mirror... dosent' look as foren as you don't want to remember. i remember something very clever from someplace "what we are never changes, who we are never stops changing." define yourself at your discression. make everyone see the person that you are... that you know you are. and are scared to portray. or you can sit there continuing to desperately trying to stop not the self medication, but your self medicating.

i dont know that's just what i think. and what do i really know exactly(,) anyways?... sorry the gramatical error was nessarry for my punchline.

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 03:17:46 GMT

somebody ask me a question. i'm open for suggestion. i'll leave it to your descression. to study me in what i consider my perfession.

25 mins. to make an argument 25 mins to make you belive me.

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 04:25:22 GMT

Prompt # 5

- Directions: consider carefully the following excerpt and the assignment below it. Then plan and write an essay that explains your idea as persuasively as possible. Keep in mind that the support you provide-both reasons and examples-will help make your view convincing to the reader.

Philosoplers are often concerned with how we know things. One position on knowledge posits that in order to appreciate a concept, we must experience its opposite as well. For example, one cannot know what good is until one had encountered evil.

- Assignment: Is this a valid view point? Do you agree with the claim that one cannot know a concept without knowing it's opposite? In an essay, support your position by discussing an exampla (or examples) from literature, the arts, science and technology, history, currect events, or you own experience of obserbvation.

starting at 10 01.

In hindu philosophy and psychology a questions comes to mind; Who am i? Defined in best trems is a prinsiple, To know who you are you must first know who you are not. And the promt uses as an example to know one you must know the extream of the conscept to grasp it properly. This in math is considered complementary. Were one thought or expression not only better explained bye it's counter but is actually defined.
"Heres a little song I wrote. You might what to play it note for note. Don't worry, be happy." What exactly can i retain from this? I'm asking you knowing that I will not get a reply. We are told at an earily age that we should do un to others as we would have them to un to us. If I'm i'm not mistaken that is the golden rule. But to take it one more step back, before greed, before unjust thought we as people would like to for everyone to enjoy.

FUCK!!!@ i can't finish this now.

fun with copying and pasting shit that you don't really want to know!~~~!!!

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 02:42:26 GMT

animosityriot (animosityriot) wrote,
@ 2005-02-10 10:52:00

you called me a breakdown, this is what I give in return.
It's happening again. These thoughts... When I look in the miror I see her, my mother, and words imprinted on my face, visible. I'm on my way, to becoming like her, and these thoughts... these thoughts make me like this. I catch myself looking into the miror, and my image seems to erase before my eyes. erase... is that my purpose? I know what I am, and I know what I am not.
People's impressions of me are completely false, and yet I do not fight to save my name. A girl... yes a girl loves me. She loves me, and I... Words are meaningless, so why do people judge others by them. Thoughts are nothing more than thoughts, they are mine. Everyone has these thoughts, thoughts of killing someone but you never do it, thoughts of running away but they never do it, thoughts of hate yet they do not hate.
Life is like a cycle I have learned, memories seem to repeat themselves over and over again, and subconsciously we became more insane. If I waste my own life, what do I know what was to come for me? I believe in fate, so if it happens it was suppossed to happen, and if it doesn't... it was never meant to be. I got emily's screen name on accident, Lindsay accidentally put it on my buddy list. Is this what you would call fate? The first time we had a conversation we had no idea who each other were, except for the fact that her exboyfriend and I had a short... fling I guess you could call it. Her dislike for me grew to understanding, and my intimidation for her grew to.. love I guess.
When people criticize me I try to put on a front that I don't care and that there words are meaningless, but I hurt... just like everyone else. Everyone hurts, everyone cries, everyone feels the need to be gone at moments. But moments are built up to experiances, and experiances are built into memories, and memories make life worth living. I don't feel the need to be criticized, or to be pittied (as you made your assumptions), I feel the need to...Let go.

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Post a new comment)

blackteam
2005-02-10 17:38 (link)
so.. i guess in a way, we can place the blame on lindsay for all of this?
(Reply to this) (Thread)

animosityriot
2005-02-10 18:30 (link)
why would I blame lindsay for anything? She has done nothing but help me, love me, and always reassures me that she will be here for me. I don't blame lindsay, i thank her and love her.
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

blackteam
2005-02-10 18:41 (link)
well, if she introduced you to emily, who in turn is ruining your life by turning you on to being a lesbian, and a druggy, then I guess we should blame lindsay.
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

animosityriot
2005-02-10 18:46 (link)
she didn't introduce me to emily, we met her at the same time. she didn't turn me into a lesbian kyle. in fact, i don't even fucking think I am bisexual, it's just different.
(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Anonymous)
2005-02-18 07:08 (link)
You are very short and febile minded. We all have the ability to minipulate and control situations, people, reality. Some choose not to others belive they can't. Then their are your kind. You feel threatened,... If you really understood who you saw in the mirror, you wouldn't reconize yourself. I can tell you what's going to happen next if you don't listen closly. Listen first. no i'll tell you first. you will want to get very fucking angery... why? because someone has "underminded". your pride and selfawareness has been questioned and one of two things might happen hell even both. you will go in a rampage taking everything you have and reasure yourself that you are still who ever the fuck you think you are (blackteam). you will find your wip. usually a girl; usually broken emotionally in some way; usually someone that will give you everything if you asked. why? becuase you've made youself in to the only person that could ever love her (which is untrue, but yes very handy). and your anger, loss of self worth, hate not that i might be right but that you could be wrong is transformed in to actions and words that will bring them too their knees, you will take them so far as to brink of insanity, suside, starvation, drug abuse, the list gose on because i did it to. why will you take them there? because it gives you power, it gives you control. because you can snap your fingers once you feel that your safe to call yourself a man or whatever it is you call youself. and not before you have left this "wip" far more fucked up then you found her. and that makes you safe again. in your whole. until anyone, any thought, ok any fucking idea, FUCK. Your fucked. just simple. fucked to the point that you know that your smart and choose to do horrable and unspeakable pain to people not because it has to be done... not because you have a need to feel loved... not because you need acceptence. not because when you were alittle kid you were picked on and tormented by everyone around you. not becuase deep down inside your afrade that you will be left, alone, to die and not be remembered. it's because you choose to hurt the ones you "love"... really seeing if your worth carring all of your insacurities. i started this because i was pissed off. and if i re-read what you wrote i'm sure i will be just back into it. do what the fuck you want. but i know that inside really far deap you fighting with the idead that your a sick bastered. and i hope for all the pain that you cause... it eats you until you die...

sorry i have to brake this rant into two sections...

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

part 2
(Anonymous)
2005-02-18 07:09 (link)
make them, my words. i have no fucking idea who you are. and me saying any fucking thing won't help... your going to want to do the right thing eventually. on some level... i'm telling you... you to far gone to be an asshole if you dont' change... i'm telling you that in many that there are only two options. and you dont want to do eather one of them because i'm right. about the questions... the statement... everything.... even your secrets. ones that you know people dont know.

dude. wise up. it happeneds to the best of us. i just have to see the aftermath of your shit storms. and wanting to play clean up is something that i enjoy doing because i'll steal the show. but i know that you and i would rather that not happen.

she will always love you. do not take adgantage of that. just make the not the "right" choices. but the ones that you know deep down that she deserves love... that love that is unquestionable... and pretending to have it and toying with her like a cat on a string just isn't... ya... what the fuck. i wrote this to tell you that blame is a stupid consept. because there are millions of small things that would have brought emily into her life. i can think of 25 off the top of my head.

do you feel stressed? the illusion of happyness? are you one of those people who uses cercumstance to change the value of something? do you use people because you have been used?

question everything. really. and if i hear about this... you getting pissed off. i'm going to be very disapointed... i'm mean your alot better then this. and if you want anything just write it here. try to find me. if you do. you deserve to threaten me, degrade me, fuck with me the best you can. or you can do as i'm doing. reaching out. you can fight me and it won't solve a dam thing. you can fight her and kill her and it won't solve a dam thing. i've learned though you feel differently right now. sometimes it's really ok to be wrong... just if your wrong take it and not push making your incorrect thinking infest the world around you. it will be hard. and i'm holding out my hand. i have no reason not to trust you. i dont know you.

no and just or.

or

you can tell yourself that i dont know you. and do what i told you your going to do.

i'm done.
and for the record alot of things have drastically affected you, you just choose not to see them.

you are not who you think you are. (question everything)

you dont need someone to love you if you truly accept youself.

have any questions? anyone... i'm open for discussion, if your open to the possability that you are wrong. that everything can be wrong. a mind so open that you truly have the ability to let what really dose not matter truly slide.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: part 2
(Anonymous)
2005-02-18 07:32 (link)
when not if the shit hits the fan... do me the favor and leave this here no matter what. somethings need to be said. somethings need to be should be controled. and you know that i'm referting to. to suffer now or to suffer for ever.

blah.
(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Anonymous)
2005-02-10 18:57 (link)
your funny kyle.. dont piss me off you know there is alot i can say of both you and lindsay... and yes that is a threat.. i am not ruining her life... fuck off and get out of it.. its people like you who dont understand but "think" you do that are ruining her life...
(Reply to this)

blackteam
2005-02-10 21:22 (link)
Let's make this the offical, 17 and under and slept with 4 or less guys thread. Comment here if you're 17 and under, and have slept with only 4 or less boys.

Discuss.
(Reply to this) (Thread)

(Anonymous)
2005-02-10 21:54 (link)
i have slept with 4 or less
<33emily
(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Anonymous)
2005-02-18 07:29 (link)
dude i'm older then 17 but still i have a good track record... i've slept with zero boys (dont' mean to disappoint you, just kidding)... and still i hate having the reputation of being a whore and a druggy... how do you think i should go about presenting myself? A. i like to have sex. very simple. very direct. i have under umm one, two,.... i'm rounding it to about 20. i haven't slept with more then 20 people. B. i like to drugs. very simple. very direct. i have a problem only when money isn't an problem. if i dont spend all my extra cash on drugs... if i dont squeeze every single section of joy that i crave dose that make me a druggy. is it possible for a druggy to be around them and not be them. i'm sorry i've asked you too many questions already... i'll talk to you later... how old are you? and how many have you slept with?

can you do me the favor... dont delete this comment because i like to see you dance in your underware. somethings need to be said. something dont have any meaning. "what is unnecessary is completely unnecessary."

Discuss.
(Reply to this) (Parent)

xkaleidascopex
2005-02-11 01:33 (link)
omg thats like my favorite song. i love your posts. they always make me think and they're like poetic in a way. i can relate to them sometimes too. not a lot, but sometimes.
(Reply to this) (Thread)

animosityriot
2005-02-11 03:18 (link)
thanks.
(Reply to this) (Parent)

blackteam
2005-02-18 15:48 (link)
It's cool you can talk about shit you know nothing about, and hide behind an anonymous post. That distroy's every bit of validity you thought you had. Not to mention it's pretty much completely wrong.
(Reply to this) (Thread)

(Anonymous)
2005-02-18 19:34 (link)
it distroys nothing... just saveing your the people i love from your wrath. you a very hostile. and i think we need to work on that. so far i like this calm aproch. it's giving me hope for the future...
(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Anonymous)
2005-02-18 19:42 (link)
oh i'm sorry is this all you have to say? you seem to be taking this a bit more defencive... but nothing that was too un expective. and yes i can' talk about shit. and i know alot about. i know people like you. i know people... so do you. my words should speak for them self... and they do... your just scared... and afrade. so you blow it off... why? becuse i dont know what i'm talking about.... i'm just some punk kid that lives on the other side of your mind.
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

(Anonymous)
2005-02-18 19:47 (link)
oh sorry i forgot to add that in the word we live in and in my perpective... i was comen for my reality to be adapted as truth. so you just being your self have no validity to start with. so the distruction of mine in your eyes means nothing but simple lies typed on a blank screen. love and kiss'. Mr. Anonymous.
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

blackteam
2005-02-19 19:24 (link)
Give it up for failing grammar school spelling tests.
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

cheepnoodles
2005-02-19 23:36 (link)
yes lets incriminate my spelling because you have nothing else on me. very umm childish... i told you i thought you were better then this. it's like like in the wisard of oz... if the asshole only hand a heart, or was it brain? no mabe is was courage...well i've given my self up here. nit pick my life... it is very much like yours... just remember... sticks and stones... but careful casue certin words can be tradgic...
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

cheepnoodles
2005-02-19 23:37 (link)
these are your tax dollars that fund my education... aren't you just proud. ofcourse you are. give lindsay a kiss for me.
(Reply to this) (Parent)

cheepnoodles
2005-02-20 05:23 (link)
correction - "if the asshole only had** a heart..."
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

blackteam
2005-02-20 06:31 (link)
So can meth.

You can give lindsay your own kiss.
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

cheepnoodles
2005-02-20 18:12 (link)
no no no this is what your doing... your pushing her away becuase of me... i told you that you would do this... and if you do it i guess you didn't realy love her in the first place... i'm sorry that your true face came out... i really wanted to be wrong. she fucking loves you. and i wanted to be wrong in thinking you were a fucking asshole. i really wish to god i was wrong... just for her sake... because you can never love her the way she deserves to be loved. and that's why i hate you.
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blackteam
2005-02-21 01:51 (link)
I can love her the way she deserves. I'd really to like to talk to you like an adult, if you want to contact me, IM me at iblackteam on AIM.
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

cheepnoodles
2005-02-21 02:40 (link)
some people work better as allies... some only can be enemies... it never has to be you vs. the world... as i would like to think of it when i was with this certin person it was us vs. the world the odds wern't that much better... but it felt that the world didnt' exist beacuse it could be hiddin the the pocket of our love.... you sound almost as if you have given up... meaning you understande that your shit dosent' work on me. you have given me no reason not to belive you. first... she lies... well no first like in physics every action has a and equall or greater oppisite reaction... so everything that has happened to her in the past in her present in her relationship with you. tells her that lieing to you to not anger you now might help... she might be ashamed in her actions... or mabe she is just confined to her little world that when she might try to step out... at first question... she will take offence. her lying isn't what you should be worried about. it's the reasons she has to lie is what you need to look into. i'm open for comments or suggestions. lindsay your still my little sister. i do love you. i'll help you if you need me but you have to want to help youself.
(Reply to this) (Parent)

smile

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 05:55:03 GMT

Snugglepuff,

I find it funny how I can arrange all the words I want to say into this perfect array of my emotions in my head… but when I actually find the time to write (or in this case; type) them all down… I come up short. I doubt that I'll say all that I want to say or all that I should in this pathetic attempt. But shit… I'll try. You're really the only person that I ever want(ed) to give a second chance to. Or a third... or fourth… or shit… even a fifth. I came to the conclusion that you're the only one where… losing you… can't be an option. As hard as I've tried… I don't want to/can't do it. Maybe it's my need… needing someone. Or maybe it's my broken little heart saying, "I know this isn't how it felt the first time... but maybe your resistance to let it go is what you should let convince you." Shit. I don't know. And there isn't any amount of words that I could arrange in any perfect way to explain how I feel about this. I know that I don't want to end this. I also know that I should. I want to know that everything is going to be okay and that we can all live happily fucking ever after. But I know that will never be an option. Because life isn't perfect, and there are people who are going to hurt me. I never wanted you to be one of them. I hurt so much because of you. Yet… I feel that I'll continue hurting… if I let myself lose you. I'm selfish. I want you to myself. I want the fucking truth though. If I fucked him, I'd tell you. My resistance would be strong… but I'd tell you. Don't I deserve that much? I have done nothing more than try and be the best person I know how. I love you and maybe I'm too stubborn to say "I'm in love with you." I let myself fall into that once before and now I find myself listening to sad country music and crying because the lyrics relate so much. I don't want that to happen in this case. I want.. you. Just you… and I want you to want me. And only me. I want to be the only person you need sexually/physically/mentally/socially/etc… as your girlfriend. That's all I ask. I want… US. Happy. Without doubt. I want to slap myself for doing this. But I want this. And I think you do to. I just am not so sure if you can allow yourself… honesty.

<33 ~me~

call me when you are done reading... or maybe when you're ready to talk.

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 05:46:04 GMT

almost the last bit
poet2
2005-02-19 01:27 (link) Select
thats great, you almost convinced me to go suficate myself in my green comforter!

only joking,...i love you lucas, in the wierdest of ways.
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Re: almost the last bit
poet2
2005-02-19 04:17 (link) Select
its funny, because ill this time ive been trying to fit in,...in my own way. i dont belong, not any where near yall. while my life is disfonctional never as great as yours, em's, or, kerri's. belive me when i say you out-do eachother. to be honest my closest friends right now are evan and casey. as odd as that may sound its true. i thought in someway i might beable to fit in yours, kerri's and emily's lifes. but you all dont need me. and i probly dont need you. it could have been nice, but ill never fit anywhere, thanks to so many things. includeing my mother. im sorry, but in someway im really not. im confused right now, and a lot depres's me. i dont want to think about it.
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Re: almost the last bit
cheepnoodles
2005-02-19 17:56 (link) Select
you only need the ones you pull with you... you can if you let yourself. but i do need you in many ways but it's not a need as in to survive... its a need to be happy....
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a bit that over expends that last.
cheepnoodles
2005-02-20 05:37 (link) Select
Comment Posted Successfully
little specks of blue and green croud the inner lineing of this worlds. we are all just waves... we are all waves... our brain inputs everything and inturprets everything. well. what if you see something that isn't there... dose that make it not real. we touch things but what's really being touched? can this reality just be someones hallustionation? or a dream... when might they wake up? will he ever?
(Reply to this)(Parent)

Re: almost the last bit
flavorles_tears
2005-02-19 23:50 (link) Select
you can fit into my life whenever you want i need more people in mine i get lonely.. u should call me more.. or attept to come over ill be like Liz or something she will never no the difference... wow i like that im calling myself liz from now on..
=Liz=
(Reply to this)(Parent)

(Anonymous)
2005-02-20 05:10 (link) Select
please. don't do that again. don't hurt me again.

"you leap.. and there's only one person who i want to catch me.. and thats you."

or the movie said something like that.
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cheepnoodles
2005-02-20 05:34 (link) Select
ya i think i saw that movie too. but were was that line from.
(Reply to this)(Parent)

blah... they said from sea to shining sea but i'm not geting into manisfestdesteny... i would like to talk about inturpritation. just like my spelling i'm sure there are many flaws... corrections that need to be made. or just done away with all together. there is a theory that when span in their big boats coming to america... the natives didn't see these massive ships... why? because there's brain could not comprehend soemthing of that structure... or even an idea of the magnitude... for them the earth stoped after the horrizon and seeing no land they were alone. so someone comeing from no where... like magic... it was easy to inturpret them as... well gods. if you are introdused to the world at an earily age i'm sure that it's safe to say you are bend... and now you see the world the way others have showen you... maybe it's wrong... maybe i'm wrong... maybe it's why i'm different from you. and why everyone is different in themselves. because they were told about the boat. or mabe not. mabe we are all the same. let me think alittle more and get back to you.

to that someone wote,

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 20:52:22 GMT

(Anonymous)
2005-02-17 16:10 (link)
sitting in the cafiteria depresses me. why do i do it? to write. it seems as if i can almost only write if im depressed. if only there was an on/off switch. to be happy (be at peace) i have to go outside and lay down, close my eyes and just listen. clear my head. is that valid enough for you?
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to that someone wote,
cheepnoodles
2005-02-17 20:49 (link)
have you seen the gaps in the dates i write... i write when there is something to write. and usually it's only when i wonder or complain about something. and that's when i feel "disenchanted" with life. asking the questions that arn't asked because this is "normal" it's what has been adapted as "normal" these are "normal" charactor traits. just because every one dose it and every one will be judged weather or not they fit in to this cercumstance... i am here... i should dress... speak... act... listen... think... a certen way. and yes the norm is usually a generalized uncountious acceptence of a subject, a topic, a thought, a person... perfection, beauity, intelegence... are all generalised uncountioud acceptence of the mass' defenation. dose it make it right? well in the eyes of those who already belive. and why do they belive? because everyone else dose. and why dose everyone else belive? because everyone else... belives. sorry i wanted to tell you that you find your peace the way i uesd to. and maybe it was to clear my head. but for the most part... it was to get away. it's hard enough just figuring out your dam self with out these assholes bothering you (giveing you shit for not mirroring them {rejecting ideas that they eathe haven't processed or haveing been tought to think and comprehend things in that prespective [worried that they could be wrong, and if they are wrong about this; what else could be wrong] "they distroy what they dont understand}). ok and in not saying that. my head is never really clear. theres just a motion detector switch... and normaly i dont need to walk into that room. only when i write i need to just dust the motherfucker. when you ask me the right questions... or provoke me it starts with me stating my opion you also, the history of the opion, the opion that i read i think i seem to find in others, and what my opion means to everyone else, and then their reaction to my opion. sorry i told you the process now with out trying who are you? sorry. wrong... now with out trying who are you? no sorry... try this with out thinking who are you? not quite but i think your getting there. remember quite time dosen't always have to be alone (there are social influence's even when they arn't around)... and tomatos are poisones apples.

it's valid for you... isnt' that enough?

close your eyes and think of your favorite color... nothing else... only your favorite color... nothing else... now imagen yourself in a endless nothingness (like how you would imagen deep space) and all that you can see is that color. then forget the name of the color that surrounds you. in that moment you will be infenent. your body, your mind, your thoughts, they won't exist. the closer you are to not thinking in this exersice the closer you will be to "clear(ing) your head" (mental acceptence)... the closer to get to seeing only your color you get more relaxed (physical acceptence, awareness of yourself)... the closer to forgeting the name of your color the closer the closer you are to being "one" (physical, mental, emotional, spirtual, awareness and acceptence, and in that you are nothing and in there you think of nothing. it's much biger then you. i can't explain it.)

sorry i got carried away. and do me the favor... don't do that while on drugs... yes i know it seems like a good idea to some. bye.
(Reply to this) (Parent)

"show me what lyes just beyond my eyes"

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 20:01:26 GMT

"The world is a playground for your recreation and everything and everyone in it are just props at your disposal."

"The altered mind cannot process a problem from start to finish without getting caught up in everything in between."

thoughts to play with. i feel someone disenchanted. yes by you. i dont deserve that. that was completly fucked up. sometimes a slip of the words can bring someone to there knees. or just push someone to the point of disenlightenment. if being content with myself and "tranquility" is really want i should be looking for... then that shouldn't bother me. that shouldn't get to me. i'm not one of classmates. i'm not your mother. i'm not your sister. did you forget? or did you not just know?

>> heros are defined through the eyes of their admiorers. smile though your life might be miserable. smile because you deserve it. << \
what can i say that hasn't some how in some other form already been said... i have no idea if i want to leed you fearther down the rabit hole. you might find something that you wern't exactly looking for. come to me expecting the basic... come to me knowing what you do know. come to me not knowing what you do not know. or just not come at all. can you people just do me a favor... own up to your actions. i might never be your fault... but atleast voice yourself when you know that you are to blame. and this will bring me to my next statment. >> DEAD TO ME DEAD TO THE WORLD to your touch, to the sound of your voice, to the thoughts you wisper in my ear. i miss you. i need rebirth, bring me back to life, i need your help. but you can't help me from where you sit. this is my tradgic flaw, and just like in english or in english it would... know ultemetly lead me to my down fall. can you feel my pain? i dont expect you to. I dont expect anything anymore... it's like if i did take it for granted and if it wasn't for granted then it was expected and even now my world is empty and you helped me back so i face the starting point. zero is our point. come and join me... you might not like it here, but i promis it's much healthier. (side note) I have more scars then you. you just can't see them.<<

one more for the road...
>> withdrawl's a bitch
8 days and counting
"cold turkey"
cigarettes still make me smile as i grab the shooting pains in my chest i collect myself and take another drag... too much pain above my brow. i need a cigarette, a nap, a sandwich. i feel so boaring not, as if my life died with my durg addictions and now i'm in somer form of my own pergatory or better yet i just haven't exepted death.
so much pain<<

i'm loved your loved every body is fucking loved! and that's all i have to say about that.

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 07:26:00 GMT

so much to write... so little focus...
never_familiar
2005-02-16 04:57 (link) Select

and you're right. i do love you.

"You never know that you slept until you're damn sure that you woke up."

i liked that. :-)

"Nothing looked right... but everything looked vaguely familiar at the same time."

you and i liked that one.

okay. i think i'm done. i won't post anything too personal in fear of the anonymous responses. i'll leave well enough alone.

Lucas... we can be personal... personally.

i love you.

thank you for that. though your love wasn't the product in which that passage was to produse... and sorry... love is always welcomed... but as i said. it's not "love" this word really has no substantial meaning. wouldnt' you agree?

"You never know that you slept until you're damn sure that you woke up." ya i like that too. is makes me think of the world or the world in my head. i woke up to being me. i woke up at one time in your arms... ha. i'm afrade that when i lay my head down... that i'm afrade that i miss too much when i sleep and i'm scared that in this i could it could just slip through my fingers. you could... or it could... it being my sanity... my love... my understanding... my god dam fucking clearity... you answer me this... "what is truth?" "what is the purpous of life"

exert from my "journal" (word for word... letter for letter... mispelling to misspelling) =-)

>>life is funny in ways like this, you just have to take it one step at a time. one day. your life is what you make of it. i can't help felling as if i was a dissapointment, as if i was or still am a falure. but i know i'm not. shit lucas.... i dont know what to do with my self. i dont know where I begain, and where it all ended. i fucking hate the person i was, Hate who i think i have become.<< umm very intresting. when i seem to hate myself. it's not a hate that overcomes me. it's more the dissapointment i have for myself... because yes... i am so much better then this.

>>theres nothing else to do... i was sure of myself and to take what i wanted to belive and make others belive. Pretending i'm something i'm not just once again. this is not me, while kendall being defined now, i love her more then , when i know exactly what she means to me and the effect that she had sub countiously was greater, i knew, i knew that she ment everything to me, when she made me feel safe because she still knew me... and loved me for who i was so i didn't have to act, of front myself, be "fake"...
she. when i used to think that she was only one that i could ever love that much (pause... brain creating new thoughts while in pen "stroke" [haha]) when realy (incert better word "realistically") she loved me with my incacurities, my weakness, my perfect imperfections. I'LL BE FUCKED (pause angry lost moment) BEFORE I'LL be saved... (what did my first theropest said to me? - "things will get worse before they get better." [so i ask.]) "better before it gets worse?"<< taking thougths into perspective. i have a general idea... everyone knows. i bullshit too well, only those too close can distinguish "me" from my "false core"

>>More so then ever my mind screams for realese. i'm lost, not in the metaphorical i... fuck(the realization that were ever i thought i was going with that just dissapeared)... nothin i(still trying to find the words)... i dont even try. i would rather be left. but that's not what happeneds the only way i see release is to visit my old habits. (thinking that i'm entering a new thought) my face wants to swell, my tears want to run but they just won't. leave me be, leave me alone. Stop worrying, stop praying stop asking, stop makeing me feel as if i have no say. What's Next? theres is never a stright answer, something defenite and (replace with "or") substantial. i dont feel dead inside, i am dead inside. sober (it's crossed out) (thinking FUCK!) i did coke last night __________ set everything up for me. i let myself down. i let dad down. i dont need it. it didn't (replace with "dosen't") affect me. i dont know what dose anymore.<< umm wow. ya just to think in deep self denial you need to wipe your slate clean and add these things as they come. you can take on any situation. with out really being that person. the one that you think you are. lucas has said (me talking in the 3rd person) many times "i honestly belive that we (any human being... no matter what) have the ability and the copasity to 'fix' or solve ourselves" just by knowing that you do things because of a reason. me needing aprovel and acseptence makes me or has me being that guy. the one that everyone wants to be and loves and holds on a petastole. i dont have to be that people pleaser. "lucas (me talking to myself) yes it's ok you dont have to be "cool" with everyone" it's my false core... can i can choose to be swave and charm the world and their everything... or like i said, it's ok to not. -reincisize my point- (it might have been lost) you not you. this isn't the person you are. this is who you were made to belive that you are. (god i love physcology..."fucking up the world just one set of ears at a time")

>>one quote that i try to keep in mind is that (sorry might me slightly pearaphrased) "true knolage is knowing that you know nothing"<< if i'm not mistaken that was socrites (famous greek pholosipher) god i wish that i learn "correct" way of spelling when i was at the age of learning to spell correctly... i carry one sentence of hope from kendall's mom... "spelling is not a sign of intelegence" thank you. you were the mother figure... because you wanted yourself to be. you saw that in my life i really needed one. but just like my mom...(haha me being really unfair) metaphorically you left me out to dry. -when i needed you the most, needed someone to tell me that i wasn't this retarded little boy only making a fool of myself. i was though making a fool, fooling most... they still haveing found out that i'm retarded (haha) i hide it so nicly. recently kendall stated that there is a fine line between genious and mentally retarded. and i tried the correction "there's a fine line between genious and insanity." "ya that too" (lucas reflective seconds... processing this information making conections with previously tested data that i've collected and i ask something along the lines of) isnt' possable that all genious' are mentally retarded? to be able to see the world through a different perspective... something other then the normal helps you grasp something closer or fearther in their "reality" which to the eyes of the "norm" they are a genious... and in not being closer or being the "norm" that in many ways makes you "defective" "strange" "retarded" my personal values... those that i gadge the world for what it's worth... it's on a whole fucking other scale. "your rules dont apply to me" just to squeeze one more thing in... >> what defines beauty? what if the beholder is influenced? << i like that. your beautiful because many other people have already desided that what you have is considered beauity... and i'm sorry for you. you pasty brunette with conferting clothing... get blonde highlights, go get a tan... sunless, sunfull... full of ultraviolet canser causing micro waves. oh ya take a run through your nearest "brand name" componey owned store. trust me the more expensive it is... the more it's worth to those that just can't aforde it. (yay!)... fuck commen crudisy... fuck religen... fuck the politics of being an elected to any state position.

(copied and revised, reedited, recut, and repeated for your pleasure only audencised 17 and older... why? fuck i dont know.) fuck the politics of being an elected to any state position. when did we lose whatever it was that made us proud to me americans?... i wasn't proud that bush went to iraq... but as being our camander and cheef if we dont support what little cause that he claims are intwined with "the axes of evil" then don't fucking vote on pulling the fucking troops... we when to win a war... yes we did that. (america flex's her/his bicepts) we are the most powerful nation in the world... we are the super power. like england, like france, like rome, like greese, we are hated... but still we died over there. HEAD LINES - "12 american soulders sacrficed their lives today (in a brave altercation with anti western extreamest with machine guns. "why" because we influence [in a bad way... in their perspective] their so perfect way of life...) (((holy shit!!!))) lets fucking over react, let get "american" (my defenation change your mind when it's easiest and basiclly "when the going get's tough")lets just pull the fucking troops before "peace" is in iraq... no not peace... a governing body, or government that mildly if not exactly reflects ours... because with democracy... in the middle of religious wars and dictaterships will just be a fucking blast... of subject... we pull the troops before they are capable of surviving because of these selfdisructive habits... (reverting to easily grasped dictatorship, arab and islamic naturalests trying to solve the (poupulation [haha]) problem with marder suside bombers, etc.) there for if there not "ready" for us to leave... then these american combat army men (and women) would have died in vain. for a cause that half way through realing that they didn't plan how to effectly teach iraq and the middle east to control itself... just to bomb the shit out of it... we took 30 days to win the war in iraq. and how long has it been that the u.s. has so visiously declared marshel law... i like ben franklin... he said (refering to the 13 colonys, the war with england, and the decleration of independence) "we hang together, or we all hang seperetly." if we dont have our own nations back. we can easily be in our own ways selfdistructive. horrabily poisionous and well might i just ad smugly counterproductive. it's a wonder we've lasted this far... just for you i'm going to brake this section from my previous thoughts... i didn't mean to ramble...

(but i was leading into this and just got distracted) this is me being disenchanted with the "socity"(fuck spelling and all of their wimsical mistakes and down right unessarry errors) >> Death to that invisable sales person in you(r) head. consumerisem is enstilled in our blood (programed into our personality so that we can't escape it's nasty multi-disfunctional utterly usless, needy infested claws) looking for EASY! an CHEEP!... looking (replace with searching) for a (replace with that) better price, not quality. (we meaning us, us meaning you) to easy to buckle under pressure of the (replace with that) majority that surround (replace with ceases) us in "our" beliefs. "our" meaning them. we need to think abnormally to control the normal. (i really like that) (and in) "we" meaning you. kiss me...<< there is a book that i keep trying to not put down... just my attention span is much or little to be held by it but i would just like you to consider the title "the pardox of choice. - why more can be less"

this is were i must leave you... were i have to bite my lip and save the rest to be unloaded another perfect shaddy night. i have to catch up on let just say my sanity easily sliping between my grasp and my cluch.... FUCK (translation) sleep is good when not deprived... this wasn't why i started writing... but I have to let you know i feel closer to being comfertable knowing that you have the ability to see my ^insain overly drawn out rants^ and ask weather or not they have mearet... just call me retarded... and you don't have to worry about it conflicting with "your" point of view. "me loves you long time"

did i adress your statments correctly? please god if anything coment on this peice of shit.

reawakening

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 05:51:51 GMT

(Anonymous)
2005-02-11 16:10 (link)
tst tst! stuck in places, must come down, i remember you, you got something to say to me?

never_familiar
2005-02-14 01:38 (link)
in this world there is real and make-believe... this seems real to me. i love you. <3

(Anonymous)
2005-02-14 23:28
love can only be real if you love yourself first, from what i can see nobody loves thereselfs enough, and to commpinsate you convince yourself you love those others. yes, in this world there is a real and a make-believe,...the sane people live in the make-believe!

never_familiar
2005-02-15 05:00 (link) Select
ok first off... thats a song. "in this world there's real and make-believe... this seems real to me."

and i really don't think your anonymous status gives you any right to pass judgement on how much i love myself... or anyone else for that matter.

and i know who i love. don't try and say that you do.

(Anonymous)
2005-02-14 15:38 (link)
can i call you, sometime... just to talk, about... anything and everything. I know who you think this is, but it isn't. it is that someone who you meant everything to, and someone who you looked to as... a sister, to protect i guess?

i dont know were you begain and were i end... or mabe it's the other way around. grasping everything i can to be that person... that one that you need. i said it would happen... i said that i will hurt you... i told you... but yet you stay. you kept trying and once you thought you had enough... you gave up. and then what happened i fell. i knew your braking point. i knew how much i really ment to you. in your eyes i want to be your everything. and in return i think i could do the same to you. be the same. fiting myself into your holes. no sexual pun intended. completing you... because i inturn got you to fill my holes... being your god... gave me the will or the power to not be something that in my heart i know i was. or atleast convinced. these are all of you... and none. and if you have the slightest idea of who i think i am. your closer to being right then any of you others... your "competers" for my attention... my love. i call her and she dosen't answer... then i call no one else... and tomarrow i'll call you. becasue i know you'll be here... in my ear in my head... understanding and contridicting every thing i stand for with each breath. and i love it. i love you. i love all of my family... and i'm sorry... that you just hope that i dont include them. and in your world... in your head just remember that you mean much to me... as all of you do. these are those people that i made that promis too. these are for the ones that need that someone... that person that if theres no one else to turn to i'm always going to be there. i'll be there when most people can't. i promised... and god do i need to keep my word... words... i'm afrade that in these cases... i can't find anyone like that... that puts trust and love and forgivness and understanding... and exeptence toward me... so i get parts of them from all of you. all of you have been emotionally scared... in your past or in worse cases in your present are dealing with issues that are beyond you. beyond your comperhention... so far from your preception of "norm" that you kid yourself... or accept it... or absorb it... and now your life isn't yours because of the transgressions of others... just like me. i'm truly afrade that i'm a horrable person inside... i'm horrably afrade that one day someone might just look me in the eye and say... "your a fake"... isn't that what i've been doing... isn't that what you do? fake your person... make yourself look or act or just sound different so that you can be that "normal" you can function in the world. i do. and i see it in you. i have no problem playing with the idea that your so much more... and your truly afrade that someone can hurt you if your real. if your not strong... if your not confident... if your not a whore or a druggy... an inteulectual. this is what i once apon a time wanted to be. and learning to love myself and be myself was so much easier when i found that one person that could see into mysoul and love me for not what i thought i was... but for who i didn't know i was. thank you kendall. sometimes i belive that she is the best thing of my misrable little life. but then i think... i'm not misrable... only with out "her"... but for the most part i am something to brag about. i've figured out all of this shit. and i'm passing the best feeling in the entire world on to you... and on to her... and on to those that... she called. and it was lovly. meaningful like i used to remember. knowing a deep connection is there but never touching it. she said to me in so many more words that we search for that feeling... this one that i describe as the best feeling in the entire world. after it seems to fade and we forget the feeling and remember the person that brings you "love" though it's so much more then that. we search... for those little things that we've grown to love in our greatest admirors and our most personal trustworthly secret holders. i might in your case be trail blazing giving you something closer to love then you've ever felt before... and others i might just be filling in for someone that is nolonger here. that can't be here... of just refuses to be here. budda said alot of really influential and spirtual things... but most he put the world into a greater context. one quote that you've heard... "this too will pass" and yes... you know "no matter how great... how wonderful... how shity... how fucked up your world or anything else gets... it won't be promised tomarrow." i dont know why i put that in quotes... it was something along that lines of what i would have told you. you can let tomarrow be the same... or you can chose to not play your position. be happy for being happy... don't let it control you. and one of my other favs. what i started this new idea with was ... "know thy self" to know who you are... first know what you are not. i love you. really. i couldn't be here with out you.

dead

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 01:09:16 GMT

i can't really think. i'm upset. with you. with what you do. and with how you carry yourself. this isn't nessarry. there is nothing i can tell you that you dont already know. STOP THIS SHIT. STOP IT. FUCK YOU YOU DONT NEED TO... JUST FUCKING STOP! if you can't i'll just leave you behind. i'm going to have to anyway. yes kendall. even you.

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 07:31:44 GMT

complete solitude <3
never_familiar
2005-01-22 12:03 (link)
i love you. i'm so scared of being alone. i know that i have fucked up beyond belief and i deserve nothing but "i told you so". you don't have to be here for me if you don't want to. i have disappointed everyone. my family. my friends. my school. only my mother, you, Lindsay, and a few others still stand beside me and call from time to time. i WILL get through this. like you said... "it's just another boundary." i have to survive this. aside from all of the shit that i'm going through... i'm here for you. haha it's not like i have anywhere to go. you can always call me, love. <3 xoxo ~kK
(Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: complete solitude <3
cheepnoodles
2005-01-22 23:28 (link)
let my life be the fabric that holds your sanity together. your lies reflect mine. your truths are just as honest. my hand is extended in your times of need and despear... i promised... i dont like to brake them. even if it hurts me worse. i'd like to see you as soon as i can. give you a hug that can sweep your mind of the shit that so easily clouds it. and you'll be stronger then me when your done. and you can chill with me and lupe smoking a cigarette talking about how stupid we all were. and what the fuck happened. love is love. you'll always be loved.
(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Anonymous)
2005-01-22 16:53 (link)
i wouldnt have asked if i didnt need someone,..thank you so much. and im very happy my mothers aim isnt near what i imagine it ust to be. one more thing,...

"peoples opinions are the play things of infants" -Heraticulis (greek philosipher)

dont take them seriously. but i have a feeling you dont already.
(Reply to this) (Thread)

cheepnoodles
2005-01-22 23:09 (link)
your beutiful. don't let her fuck you. but her fucking you will make you stronger then her when the time comes to have your own to chace down when they run with drugs and boys. just remember what you have gone through and never let yourself or anyone else for that matter make others feel the same as your mother makes you feel. that's why i stayed. that's why i sat until you left. you needed a voice, a soul... mabe just comfert, could have been love of a friend. but i stayed because you needed me too. and i hope that you stay if your needed.
(Reply to this) (Parent)

:*(
dstbny_n_vasion
2005-01-22 21:50 (link)
did you forget someone?
(Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: :*(
cheepnoodles
2005-01-22 23:04 (link)
yes melissa... i feel that your path through this misleading life will take you to many more places that you wish not to be. just trust in yourself to reconize that when something dose seem wrong then most likly it is. love those who love you. love those that hate, though the hate might not be just, there might be some truth in it. stay strong. and so will i.
(Reply to this) (Parent)

DON LUPE
(Anonymous)
2005-01-22 22:37 (link)
I LOVE YOU DUDE AND ILL SHIT I DONT KNOW MAN IM TRYING I REALLY AM FUCK MELISSAS GOING TO READ THIS HUH? O WELL IM CRYING AND I CANT STOP , IM A FUCK UP I REALLY AM IV BEEN LOCKED UP IN JOES ROOM CAUSE I DONT WANT TO BE OUT THERE WITH THEM AND MELISSA ,WELL IT SEEMS TO BE WHEN I MOST NEED HER SHES NOT AROUND , DUDE I LOVE HER SO MUCH BUT I THINK THAT ALL IM DOING IS HURTING HER IN A BIG WAY IM SORRY YOU HAD TO MEET ME AND IM SORRY IF I FUCKED UP YOU LIFE IN ANY WAY

YOUR BIG BROTHER DON FUCKING LUPE
(Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: DON LUPE
cheepnoodles
2005-01-22 23:23 (link)
what the fuck... your have no idea what your up agenst... and you have no fucking idea what you just said do you?... when you are in need. it's my fucking job to be the fucking hero. this is your life lupe. as fucked as it might actually sound you need to take it like the fucking don lupe that you think you are and take fucking control. grab your testicals and run into battle. you have nothing to feel sorry for becuase just like you. i choose that i do in life. that's why i had to leave. that's why i love you. because soon enough you will see something closer to reality. we all fall. just get your ass back up. and know that melissa will need you. just like kendall will need me. and you have to leave or you put her and everyone else in danger. she will be alive when you get back. she will be different... but the same. and you can start again from scrach but still know that little bit of shit that gives you the advantage. me and you. kendall and melissa... were no good for them. but we are the best things that they could ever ask for. these are the people that we were ment to be with. this is your obstical... this is your moment of defenition. what you do know will will change melissa's life and yours forever. you might be scared. i know. no one will hold it agenst you. i just what you to do what you think is right. me and melissa will support you. and kendall when she's old enough. ha. dude. no worrys. the ruff shit is just ahead... but it's smooth sailing after that. ask me if you need anything. i love you... don fucking lupe... and from now on... no more bets... we can pull chicks with different talents. and i think we can let it rest. because it's not what's important. you chilling at my house smoking a cigarette and laughing about how stupid we were when we were teenagers... that will be the day i look fowarded to... and if nothing give me that day. no worrys... just looking back... and not having a fucking care in the world. promis me that.

Subject: hold on

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 07:45:50 GMT

Subject: hold on

well lucas man we go way back huh?
all this shit has been going on and its really unecessary. we are all like one big fucking family and though some fell down the road of fucking up we still love them. everyone makes mistakes and it sucks. some lost control and that sucked too. we all love eachother and will always be there for whenever we need it you know? im glad your finally ignoring kat you know? i mean i did nothing to this girla nd here she is calling me a fake bitch. Fake bitch? i mean if anything i am the most real person anyone can meet for i always speak my mind and the truth. i never hold anything in, thats what makes me me you know? i think she was jsut mad because we all got to hang out with you all the time and she was jsut jealous of the dear bond we hold together. its jsut so sad how she cannot get over you though she is twenty something years old. she acts more immature than us and that that we are in highschool. man jsut live your life and live it to the fullest. dont let yourself get out of control and if you feel you are losing control then look for us that we will always hold dearly the friendship that we have and never let it go. leave the past in the past and jsut look ahead for you only get one life. forget the insults you may get or whatever, you are a great person within and without. whatever you do in life is your choice and do not let anyone judge you for what you do. no one is perfect because is everyone was perfect then there would be no point in life dont you think? leave the people that are unecessary out of your life and keep the ones you know will always be there...
we all love you so hold on to this that i tell you, we care for you and always will...
yours truly now and always,
-star-

things that make me smile. from time to time you get this feeling. were your life needs not to make since... but the people around you define you. those times come very rare to me. it seems as if i have lost everything but i've gained so much in return. i was hoping that i didn't have to leave them. it's been one month. one month i left them, i left mikes house afrade of what is to come. what was going to come. my attempts to change myself for the better and bring them with me. if it didn't work for them then, i was sure that it wouldn't work for them now. these few... these very few i'm glad that we have come closer now in realizing that life isnt' what it was painted to be. we were told at a young age that we could be anything we wanted to be. but somehow we got lost. somehow all of us got alittle lost. some such as me... more then others. some such as me... helping them loose that dream. the one of being whatever we choose to be... not just dealing with the cercumstances that we were delt. to erik. your not the bad guy. to dac. you will always have me as a friend. to lupe... you can always find me and call me your brother. pricilla... i guess that makes you my little sister =-) heather, i won't let you drink too much... just keep me inline. mike, i dont want you to lose this wonderful essence that you have. make your little brother tag along. kerri, shit has fallen on us, on you and you won't have to walk alone as long as i still breath. kendall, my love. my only true love. emily, your beutiful run away from everything when you wish but come back. always come back. if you ask me i will steer you in the "right" direction. dom... if you can't beat'em join 'em. but if you need me to sit and get swings, cigarettes thrown at me i'll do my best to dodge them. kristen... your so close to freedom dont give up now. lindsay... "wanna fight" your going to go down little girl. live your life not in fear... roosevelt said... "the only thing we have to fear is fear it's self" trust me... read it over a few times i think you'll get the idea. to my family... sorry for the heart ach. i'm sure if i wasn't what you thought i was i wouldn't have changed. (did i say that rigth?) i love all of you despretely... you make up my inner circle... but i think we need to extend it far beyond to include the areas that we dont feel comfertable in... yates is a cool motherfucker. many more parties i hope to come with the same atmosphere people, community. i was loved for being myself. as we all should and that exeptince comes only with the openness you can only find in a complete stranger. some ask why... but i dont ask why not... nor why for. this is my life and it's ending one moment at a time. but i choose not too see it as that. i choose to breath in smoke and exhale what i consider to be my golden new begaining. as cheesy as it might sound. come join me. there is no hate in this world that i try to provide for myself... i'm willing to share with those who are willing to see what i see. be what i be. need what i need. i'm going to try to sleep. farwell to you my sexy everything. goodnight to althose who still listen. the ones open for suggestion. open to thought. open to me. thank you.

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 00:45:31 GMT

for now on my shit will only be freinds unledd i really dont give a shit... i'm tired of you assholes. mainly kat taking my writing and trying to us it agenst me. your a bitch. and to all those... ask me nicely...

words of wisdom (by emily)

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 20:16:26 GMT

FlavorlessTears: its hard to focus on things that are right when everything is wrong, but fixating on everything thats bad wont make you become anybetter
FlavorlessTears: just try to think of what you have instead of what you dont
FlavorlessTears: you have a family that stuck with you no matter how much you fucked up, and that helped you, you have friends whom at this point you may not see but they care about you so much
FlavorlessTears: dont think of what you lost think of what your gaining
FlavorlessTears: your gaining a life in time that will be one to be proud of and one that will be happy
FlavorlessTears: they give us so many bad things just so that when the good ones come they seem extra special
FlavorlessTears: i no my words dont help much but there all i have
FlavorlessTears: how are you?

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 01:40:01 GMT

http://www.livejournal.com/users/poet2/